My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
