I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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