I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
