Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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