i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
PANTIES FOUND
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
