I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
