Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
honey bunches of taint.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I stole a fireplace last night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
