I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
