He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
