she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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