How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
