dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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