Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
