i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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