she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
