party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
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