what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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