I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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