I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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