Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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