kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think I sprained my soul last night
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
