i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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