I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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