i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
