You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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