the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
