you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
