I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Only a mothe r could love this liver
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
