how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It was confusing and full of hummus
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
