I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
