There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
