Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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