Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
