First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
