Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
