I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
