Yo dont text me then not text me
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
