Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
