I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have so many feelings about this burrito
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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