So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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