The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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