Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
