i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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