I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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