you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
