If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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