that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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