my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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