He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
