She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
