Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
